Difficult Conversations

Differing views, opinions, approaches and predictions for the future can lead to uncomfortable conversations within families. And, too often, the outcome is deadlock—at best.

According to Harvard lecturer, author and consultant Doug Stone, these conversations—where both parties truly believe they are right—will never be productive if we continue to talk to people “as if their head is an empty vessel and our talking will fill their brain.”

Stone suggests approaching these conversations differently: work to understand why the other person holds the beliefs they do. By asking unloaded questions (note: these are different from zingers with a question mark at the end), you can understand the belief gap that needs to be closed. In the process of doing so, you’re making the other person feel that they’re being heard—a powerful step in overcoming hurdles that too often derails progress.

Stone illustrated this point by comparing two different approaches when requesting organs from family members who are often just minutes past one of the most traumatic moments of their life.

• The “sales” approach is logically compelling: “We are sorry for your loss. Let us talk to you about how important organ donation is and how you have the opportunity to save another life.” Who wouldn’t want to save a life? This approach works 35 percent of the time.
• The “coaching” approach works with the family to understand where they are and what issues they are facing: “What are you thinking about? What are the issues that factor into the decision for you? Religious beliefs? Perceptions of an “unfair” system?” This inquisitive approach works 65 percent of the time and creates a “positive yes”—one that the family will feel comfortable with down the road.

There were too many stories and insights from this session (How to Have Difficult Conversations and Move On) to capture in a blog entry, so check out Doug’s Web site: http://www.diffcon.com to learn more.

Amy Zell Ellsworth is senior philanthropic advisor and New England International Donors (NEID) program manager at The Philanthropic Initiative.